I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
