i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
