don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
