I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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