If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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