she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
