Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
