Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
