Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
