I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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