Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
