My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize