Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
