you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
