don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
