I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The uberlube is also flammable
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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