I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
