made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
