he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
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