Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
