At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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