he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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