i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
