i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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