I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
