6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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