How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
