Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
