Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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