he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
