Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
