I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
