I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
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