remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
