if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
BRING THE BAGELS
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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