Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
