Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
