Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize