Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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