Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
