ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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