Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
They have beer where we have blood.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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