tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
