I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
