I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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