I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
