My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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