i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
