Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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