Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I think i peed on brittanys purse
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
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