Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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