I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Found the puke drawer
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
