You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
