Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize