Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
