I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
