I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
The uberlube is also flammable
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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