Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
