i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
