Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize