Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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